First and foremost, I am sending my undying love and support to all of you affected by the Hurricane. Luckily, my family is fine. I’m currently staying with my parents and housing a friend while all of this (hopefully) dies down.
New Yorkers (including myself) were way too flippant about the hurricane. Praying for all those affected, and if you can, help the victims by texting REDCROSS to 90999 to give $10 to American Red Cross Disaster Relief.
Second of all, because of slow internet/cell/communication in NYC, it’s going to take a little longer to get the blog up and running in it’s new format.
Thank you so much for being patient with me. I just want to do this well, and that’s going to take a little time.
All the best to you and yours,
Hey everyone. The past week has been INTENSE. So I’m going to step back for a bit, try to regroup and figure out where I’m going and what I’m doing.
Wanted to clear a few things up.
1) I am working on being the healthiest I can be. While my blood pressure and cholesterol are great, with PCOS obviously weight issues have to be addressed. Luckily, I have an AMAZING doctor who is helping me every step of the way on my journey. She truly wants the best for me, and we are following a great health plan which I think is going to be amazing for my health and longevity. My message was not saying “I’m fat, therefore I don’t care about my health”, it was “I’m fat, I’m working on myself, and no one has any right to treat me as less than because of the way I look.” And let’s say you ARE healthier than me. Let’s say you’re thinner. And WHAT? Let’s keep going. You are thinner, therefore…you are worth more than me. You are thinner, therefore…God loves you more. You see how ridiculous it sounds now? I’m still on my journey. I’ll probably be thinner than I am one day. So what? My character stays the same, it doesn’t matter what size I am.
2) I am in NO way encouraging unhealthy behaviors. All I am saying is that not everyone is built the same, not everyone who is healthy is thin, and not everyone who is thin is healthy. We live in a country where we have a HUGE drinking and drug problem and culture. We also have a huge eating disorder problem. Yet, I hear a LOT less about how to deal with those issues. I don’t think that telling people that no matter what they look like, they are worthy of respect, is somehow encouraging being unhealthy. I think what IS unhealthy is our attitude towards health and weight in this country. Anorexia KILLS PEOPLE EVERY DAY. Bullying KILLS PEOPLE EVERY DAY. Its clear that shaming people into losing weight doesn’t work. We need to have new attitudes on health, weight, and eating in order for our generation to live happy, full, healthy lives.
3) I did not do this to be famous. I’ve been studying classical voice and musical theater since I was 13. It is DEFINITELY my passion, and my dream to be on Broadway one day. However, if I suddenly got jobs because of what I’ve done I’d feel really ashamed. I’m in no way, shape, or form prepared to be a professional actress at this time. That’s why I’m studying musical theatre at college - to work on my craft and hope that one day I’ll enjoy success - SEPARATE from my activist work.
4) I am not interested in somehow becoming a celebrity or public figure. I’m interested in helping young women realize their potential, and stopping bullies from using “concern” as a justification for torment. Brandon from Humans of New York and I are working on getting a really well-formatted blog together which will become a community in which people of all shapes, races, disabilities and abilities, genders and identities, can come together to share their stories in the fashion I did. Point blank, that’s what I want out of all of this. To inspire others to take a stand. I don’t have interest in making the media circuit. In fact, it’s incredibly overwhelming and scary. I’m an 18 year old going through a very unusual experience. It may be hurtful sometimes, and frightening - but it’s worth it.
5) Thank you for the support, many of you seem like absolutely lovely people, it is not lost on me what your words of kindness and support mean.
Hello followers, new and old,
Thank you for being so wonderful and supporting me through this crazy, incredible journey. It has been surreal.
I want to tell you that as far as a personal blog, this is endeavor is finished. I have a much broader audience, and I’m not so sure I’m comfortable sharing ALL of my life and thoughts with everyone! It’s a confusing, complex issue. I want to get the message of self love and acceptance out there, however, I don’t think chronicling every detail of my life is the way to go about that.
So, here’s to the new body love blog. Over the course of the next few weeks, me and my friend Brandon (who you all know from Humans of New York) are reinventing this blog.
I’m hoping it will turn the focus off of me, and onto a much larger issue. I want this blog to turn into something about YOU, not me.
It is all very exciting. I’m not going to reveal details yet, but trust me, this is going to be beautiful. I know that because you all are beautiful.
I saw Brandon from HONY just down the block from where I live.
I was super excited, and approached him asking if I could get a picture of him. He was so nice, and agreed readily. I snapped him taking a picture of a young man in a wheelchair. He then asked me if he could take my picture. OF COURSE I agreed, anyone who knows me knows I love I having my picture taken.
After he took a few shots, he asked me "So what’s your story?"
I told him about my sizeism project, my blog, and the picture on tumblr that got a lot more attention than I thought it would. He said he was really interested, wanted to put me up on the blog, and to email him as soon as I got home with all my info. I did just that.
I expected him to post the CLOTHED picture of me, and link to my blog, so anyone who was interested could check it out.
So needless to say I was a little surprised when I saw my half-naked self on Facebook, getting thousands of likes every minute.
My first instinct was to burst into tears. It’s what I do when I’m too overwhelmed and don’t know how to feel. A million thoughts raced through my brain - but the most prominent one was
"This is exactly the exposure you wanted to spread the message of size acceptance. This is the perfect venue for you to share your story, and you should be honored."
Then why did I feel like utter shit?
I knew that thousands of people were looking at my body. I knew thousands were judging me.
Still, I knew more were supporting me, sharing kind words, and getting something from what I wrote.
IT’S WAYYYYY EASIER, however, to focus on the smaller percentage of negative assholes rather than the overwhelming love.
I panicked. I emailed Brandon, asking him to please post the other picture with a little more of what I had to say, as I thought maybe that would stop some of the trolls. I didn’t know how to feel. Here I was, this woman speaking about loving yourself and accepting who you are, suddenly absolutely devastated because some random people I don’t know were saying nasty things about me on the internet.
Brandon was amazing. He offered advice, his support, and told me if I ever changed my mind he would delete the picture.
I took a few hours with myself to sit and think and absorb what was happening. Should I tell him to delete it? Should I delete my blog? Should I persevere and leave it up?
Finally, I decided to leave it. I know what I am trying to do, which is help young women struggling with their body image and expose the hypocrisy and cruelty that is sizeism, is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT whatever feelings I may have about myself.
I didn’t do this for attention or sympathy. I have people in my real life who help me with anything I need, I don’t need to look to strangers for that.
I am doing what I’m doing in the hopes I can make a difference in a world that has so much cruelty.
But also know that I am human. I have my bad days. Maybe I will change my mind and decide I don’t want to be in the public eye, and everyone will forget about me in about 2 seconds.
But I hope I continue to gain strength from this experience, and get the chance to tell my story at a widespread level.
And I hope you know that to all who have been supportive, I love you.
Feeling very blessed and reminding myself what a privilege it is to have such a great doctor. I wish everybody could have access to such caring, smart, compassionate doctors like her.
Here’s some things she told me:
- i’m actually eating too little and not often enough, which is exacerbating my insulin problem (crazy isn’t it?) she even showed me a fancy chart and I was like WHOA
- and now she wants me to eat 6 fucking egg whites every morning .
TOOOOO MANY EGGS. But hey, she knows more than I do.
- she literally said YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE IS BEAUTIFUL. I was like oh thank you I wish the fat shamers of tumblr could hear that
- my cholesterol is still normal hurrah
- I need to wear a night guard so I stop getting lockjaw (I’m sexy and I know it)
In short it was an awesome experience and I feel like kicking PCOS in the face because I’m still winning
Healthy. Fat. Fabulous.